One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
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Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
who wore it better?
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.