My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
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All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.