My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
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I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
not seeing the problem
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
The USS B port
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Bike is short for Bichael.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?