Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.