Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Investing in beetcoin
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.