What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
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4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Midwest trash talk
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough