I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
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me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.