Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
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[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”