<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
You Might Also Like
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
My dog ate my work from home.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play