*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
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Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
#parenting
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)