I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
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In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Beware of fowl play.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time