My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence