SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
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– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for