[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
You Might Also Like
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“What movie?” 🤔
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response