British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
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popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
all bases covered
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.