It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?