I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
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I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Hot Hot Hot
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.