me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
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I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
the icebreaker
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”