The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
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Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.