Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
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*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.