Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
You Might Also Like
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Boy never ceases to amaze me
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
When news reporters do sports stories
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family