Fluff me with a fork baby
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Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”