HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
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No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.