[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
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My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
when you are just born a rebel
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”