When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
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Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.