Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
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Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.