When I pack too much for a short trip.
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[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
just gave your address to some spiders
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
This one’s “Alex”.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
They’re called werewolves.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.