Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
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I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
normalize having existential bread
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.