“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
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Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
The cashier just checked me out.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
me refusing to leave twitter
#merica
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS