From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
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Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.