COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
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My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Shortcut
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Boom, boom, ching!
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”