Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
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me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner