Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
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Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
me opening up to someone
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!