WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
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I think I’m having a stroke
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
BETRAYAL
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.