Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
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Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Pickled cat.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem