you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
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Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
*Inspirational Tweets*
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out