I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
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I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
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Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
anyone else like Italian cereal
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.