If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
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Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.