Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
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[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
What’s a Messi?
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Me too, bag. Me too….
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced