An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
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Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My biological clock is wheezing.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Lmao
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time