bro what is going on at twitter
You Might Also Like
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
This is my pinned tweet
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes