think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
You Might Also Like
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
They got a point!
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
mathematically impossible
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon