Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
You Might Also Like
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam