Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
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I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.