It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
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If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth