Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
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One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%