Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
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Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Basketball
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
is this how new cars are made??
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town