Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
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Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.