DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
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Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?