Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
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If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments